I Can't Write That!

[SIDENOTE:  I'm not sure where this post is going, but it has been on my heart.  To keep it real, I don't plan to edit it like I usually would because I've found that there are often reasons for things like this.]

The purpose of this blog, for me, has been about transparency - about being real and finding a way to get things out, while feeding my need to write.  When I sat down to write, I felt like I had something on my heart, but no real topic in mind.  My first words on the page were:

"An interesting thing happens when we stop for two minutes to digest the world around us, when we take a moment to unplug, and when we review our motives.  It is often in that moment that we find...." (Yes, it was blank after that as I paused, feeling that what would come next would be fake...or, worse yet, something I wasn't ready to admit or share with others.)

Gasp.  I stopped writing.  My hand shook a little.  Why were those the words that fell on the page?  I jotted a note below it before quickly closing the book to close the thoughts that were falling out of my heart.  The note read:  "I can't write this!" *insert hard underline* "I feel so lost sometimes." The words left a shiver as I thought of the range of feelings that I had been feeling these past few weeks.  Cue slamming shut of my little book I write my blog posts in.

For the next couple minutes, my mind raced.  Where was my heart going with all of that?  As is usually the case, I felt compelled to open it again, which is how this post started.  Clearly, something -some feeling- is inside that needs to come out.

I've been struggling as of late, searching for guidance on how to stay strong in my commitments and my convictions.  I have been battling with feeling ranges of overwhelmed at times to content at others, angry on one side to pleased on the other, lost in on hand and filled up in the other.  To be honest, it freaks me out more than a little.  It causes me to question my usefulness and my abilities.  I mean, I'm supposed to be more put together than this, right?

I generally end up pressing on because I feel this nudge that there is something more - some deeper meaning to all these random crazy thoughts.  I guess I try hard because I feel like that's the only noble course to take and I want to be known as a noble body, willing to be used.  Some days, it does take more convincing than others. 

Today, I came upon Proverbs 3:5-6.  I've seen/heard/read it several times, but today it caused me to think on the ebb and flow of these feelings I've had as of late.

Prov 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

Interesting how that works - how inspiration comes at just the right time to cause us pause and to cause us to think.  While I often feel lost in my thoughts or in life itself, I am reminded that my path is laid out for me.  All I need to do is continue to walk forward with my eyes and heart directed upward....oh, and be sure to be looking out for the people that God places in my life to keep me on his path and inspire me to move forward to contentment, fulfillment and pleasure rather than being overwhelmed, lost or angry.  I guess being honest about how we are feeling is part of that process.

Can you relate?

You Don't Have to Understand

Obedience.  It's a long word.  It has many syllables.  It means:

noun: 1. compliance with someone's wishes or orders or acknowledgement of their authority. 
2. Submission. (according to Dictionary.com).

But, it's more than that.  It's hard too.  Hard to do.  Hard to understand.  But, it is also necessary.  When we become a follower of Christ, we begin our journey to many things.  God never promises that the road will be easy or without potholes (or all out sinkholes).

He never promises that we'll understand the road while we are traveling it - be that by plane, train, car, bike, running or, yes, even walking.  BUT, he does promise it will be worth it.

No one has to understand your acts of obedience.  Those acts are between you and God.  Perhaps you can try to explain them, but I'd wager a guess that you may not be able to find words to fully explain it.  I struggle with that.  Sometimes explaining it, or trying to, just makes the act sound even crazier.  And yet, God is still asking you to do it - whatever that "it" may be.

The entire act of obedience is a seed planting sort of thing.  You are doing God's will even in the midst of difficulty or aversion.  God will use that obedience for his kingdom.  It may not happen today or tomorrow.  In fact, you may never get to see the result of your obedience; you may only be able to guess at the "why" of it all.  But, that isn't what obedience is about.  It is about being faithful, doing what God asks of you regardless of whether you either want to or understand why he is asking you to.  You have to step forward and lay it on the line, asking him to give you strength to forge along.

Obedience is a conscious act, one that you need to practice at.  Will you always get it?  Probably not. Will you fight with God over the thing he has asked you to do?  Probably, I sure did. Will you doubt God and try to talk yourself into the idea that God would never ask that of you? Quite possibly.  But, your obedience (and mine) holds so much for your life and your walk as God blesses you and gives you more ways to be obedient.

So, wake up, wipe the vestiges of sleep from the eyes of your life of control, stretch out the arms of your analytical, must-know-everything being and step out.  Spread the wings of your obedient heart.  It is longing to do something for God.  Soar in his love and provision.  He will make you strong when you think you cannot continue.  I promise you, the journey and the work will be worth it.


What has God been asking you to do?

Isaiah 40:31 "but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."