I Can't Write That!

[SIDENOTE:  I'm not sure where this post is going, but it has been on my heart.  To keep it real, I don't plan to edit it like I usually would because I've found that there are often reasons for things like this.]

The purpose of this blog, for me, has been about transparency - about being real and finding a way to get things out, while feeding my need to write.  When I sat down to write, I felt like I had something on my heart, but no real topic in mind.  My first words on the page were:

"An interesting thing happens when we stop for two minutes to digest the world around us, when we take a moment to unplug, and when we review our motives.  It is often in that moment that we find...." (Yes, it was blank after that as I paused, feeling that what would come next would be fake...or, worse yet, something I wasn't ready to admit or share with others.)

Gasp.  I stopped writing.  My hand shook a little.  Why were those the words that fell on the page?  I jotted a note below it before quickly closing the book to close the thoughts that were falling out of my heart.  The note read:  "I can't write this!" *insert hard underline* "I feel so lost sometimes." The words left a shiver as I thought of the range of feelings that I had been feeling these past few weeks.  Cue slamming shut of my little book I write my blog posts in.

For the next couple minutes, my mind raced.  Where was my heart going with all of that?  As is usually the case, I felt compelled to open it again, which is how this post started.  Clearly, something -some feeling- is inside that needs to come out.

I've been struggling as of late, searching for guidance on how to stay strong in my commitments and my convictions.  I have been battling with feeling ranges of overwhelmed at times to content at others, angry on one side to pleased on the other, lost in on hand and filled up in the other.  To be honest, it freaks me out more than a little.  It causes me to question my usefulness and my abilities.  I mean, I'm supposed to be more put together than this, right?

I generally end up pressing on because I feel this nudge that there is something more - some deeper meaning to all these random crazy thoughts.  I guess I try hard because I feel like that's the only noble course to take and I want to be known as a noble body, willing to be used.  Some days, it does take more convincing than others. 

Today, I came upon Proverbs 3:5-6.  I've seen/heard/read it several times, but today it caused me to think on the ebb and flow of these feelings I've had as of late.

Prov 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

Interesting how that works - how inspiration comes at just the right time to cause us pause and to cause us to think.  While I often feel lost in my thoughts or in life itself, I am reminded that my path is laid out for me.  All I need to do is continue to walk forward with my eyes and heart directed upward....oh, and be sure to be looking out for the people that God places in my life to keep me on his path and inspire me to move forward to contentment, fulfillment and pleasure rather than being overwhelmed, lost or angry.  I guess being honest about how we are feeling is part of that process.

Can you relate?

Sometimes You Have to Say "No" to Say "Yes" to the Right Things

Isn't it interesting to take a new year and dream about the possibilities that it holds? Isn't it fun to imagine a better you (either emotionally or physically)?
As part of the #letsblogoff series, I have chosen to look at the things I'm looking forward to in 2012.


I will preface this blog by saying that I'm not one to usually make resolutions, or if I do, I don't put them out there. You see, I'm a great starter by trade, but a horrible finisher. I hate defeat and hate admitting it even more. But, this is a new year and changes must be made to assure that 2012 isn't the same as 2011 or 2010.

This year, I vow to make myself slow down long enough to appreciate it. I don't want to be sitting around the fire in September wondering what happened to May and June. Did I truly show love to others? Can I even remember those times? I am planning to pick and choose my activities. My priority will be my family. There may be things that I might have to say "no" to, but those decisions will be run through the filter of "Is this best for my family?". Yes, I might just have to retire my Super Woman (or Splintergirl) cape and admit that I can't do everything.

I'm looking forward to continuing to work on my marriage and work on really listening to my husband and learning how to use the differences in the ways we approach things and communicate to make us stronger, to make our bond unbreakable. I'm looking forward to the work it will take to put us there.

I'm looking forward to seeing what will come of my husband's lay off. I'm hopeful that he will find a position that better suits his needs for a company that truly cares about him and his abilities. So, anyone in need of a very experienced AutoCAD draftsman with building designer and LEED experience that is working on his Architecture degree? :)

I'm looking forward to continuing to work with the middle schoolers at my church, especially my 8th grade girls' group. I love them to pieces. They honestly teach me so much about life without even realizing it and I only hope that the feeling is mutual. I aspire to inspire them, accpeting them as they are and challenging them to strive for more.

I'm looking forward to my work with Lancaster County Timber Frames, Inc. and really getting some much needed PR for the company. I love my job and my dream has always been to get a frame featured in a magazine. I'm not sure why that seems to be such a dream for me, but it is an accomplishment that I've been striving for. I'm also working towards making my position much more fluid and structured, so as to be as efficient and timely as possible.

On a personal side...the "for me" part...I am looking forward to continuing to run and really getting on a good schedule for that. I've always felt guilty going for a run when something else needed done. This year, I want to strive for a better balance of that and realize that the run is important for me for health reasons, but also emotional ones. I want to run my 2nd half marathon in under 2 hrs. 15 min. this October. I want to write more. It is something that love to do, but again, I don't make time for the things that I love. So, I'd love to blog weekly or at least write poetry.

Ahhh...so I've put this all out there. "All in" as I tell my daughter. Now, it will be up to me to see if I can actually fulfill this list or at least put myself in the right place to have a good start on it. Now, you know MY heart. What are some of the things that you are looking forward to?

If you'd like to read the posts of the other contributors to #letsblogoff, you can visit www.letsblogoff.com or view the chart below:


Photo credit goes to: cameronsong.blogspot.com